Self-esteem is not just one singular thing. It is a multilayered sense of self that comprises your own life’s experience, your individual perspective and how you feel about who you are. Self-esteem therefore tends to comprise things that are both in and out of your control.
You can’t control what family you live in, or what happens to you throughout life. You can only control how you respond. The issue is that if you have experienced things that were troubling, especially during childhood, then you will respond in ways that will ensure your survival. Your instinct to survive does not care about your happiness – it only cares that you survive.
With repeated negative experiences, you will have learned that the only way to get by is to put other people first, or to degrade yourself, or to dismiss your feelings in favour for other people. In other words, you take a piece of your self-esteem and self-worth away and give it to someone else.
You are left feeling low about yourself, with no or little self-esteem left to prioritise your own life. Now you are alone, with no one to support you, and you are left having to deal with the low sense of worth that you have acquired throughout your life. If you are reading this and you resonate with the above, then let me tell you – it is not your fault….
…But, it is your responsibility. Your self-esteem belongs to you and you alone. That’s the good news – it means you can do something about it – but where to begin?
Get a pen and paper right now and write down everything you have going on in your life. This could be:
- Work
- Friends/family/relationships
- Hobbies/activities
- Things you do that you enjoy
- Things you hate
- Things you wish you were doing etc.
Now take a look at the list and circle the things that you feel make you miserable or take away joy from your life. Things that detract away from your self-esteem. This could be the work you do, or the things you enjoy that you are not doing – or perhaps the relationships you are in and whether you feel respected or loved, or taken for granted. Be honest with yourself during this exercise.
Once done, you want to question what it is you need from each of those things that will help you to build your self-esteem. You can write a list of those things, but it means nothing unless you understand and accept that you DESERVE to feel good. Do you deserve it? If you said no, or doubt it – then you need to dig deeper and ask why you feel you don’t. Perhaps you have been told your whole life that you don’t deserve love and that you will never amount to anything. Maybe it feels comfortable to stay sad and put others first. However, your potential will never be realised unless you breach your comfort zone and understand first-hand just what you are capable of.
Self-esteem begins with the realisation that you deserve better and that you are capable on many fronts. This can only be realised and fully appreciated through experience, so you can prove to yourself that you can overcome challenges and any negative thoughts you have about yourself. You can only achieve this by trying and persisting to do the things that you enjoy. The feeling that you will get by going down this route will be far greater than you can imagine right now. So, start doing more things for you.
Do you hear that voice you are telling yourself – the one saying that you cannot do things, or are not good enough, or that you do not deserve to treat yourself? That voice is a product of your life experience – it is not you, it is a conditioned voice that is a response to the life you have lived. But the life you lived in the past does not determine where you head in the future. Your future is determined by the actions you take now, in this moment. The future is in your hands. You can only control how you act and react – no more, no less.
Start small and build overtime. No rush – with enough consistency, you will build your self-esteem layer upon layer. Start by doing more of the things you love, and where possible, do less of the things you hate or dislike. Slow and steady wins the race. You will face set-backs, you may take 1 step forward and 2 steps back from time to time. Take that as a sign that you are coureagous and are willing to explore your fullest potential.
Self-esteem is determined by action.